I’m finding it difficult to keep up the web page, at least with a semi happy tone, with the 800 lb gorilla called Cancer sitting in the room.
When you wake up in the morning thinking about it, and go to bed at night thinking about it, and it’s always in the back of your head during the day. It takes a concerted effort to ignore sometimes.
I don’t want this site to become just one upsetting fact after another on this trip we are on, and it’s definitely a trip this whole family is taking together. I don’t want to put up posts every time the doctor comes back with more bad news. And yet, that’s my first thought. Crap, another tumor, post post post.Which isn’t what I want this web page to be. It’s supposed to be about the whole family and how we’re living our lives. Right now, that’s a little focused on just one thing, but that doesn’t mean a lot of other things aren’t happening.
So, if I’m not posting about the cancer, it’s not because nothing is happening, it’s because I am avoiding it. It’s better to post happy things and ignore the hot pink 800 lb monster in the room.
And yes, this rant is because her cancer spread and she’s now got more tumors. So piss off and have a happy day!
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March 5, 2010 at 6:15 PM
Eileen
I’m sorry. Just that – I’m sorry, even though I cannot say that I’m shocked or surprised. So sorry will have to do, as entirely inadequate as it is.
And – well, if you DON’T post about it, then you aren’t really posting about the whole family and living your lives. Because the monster is there, isn’t it, and it’s part of the family and how you live your lives. To avoid it doesn’t make your blog less about the cancer. It doesn’t make your readers think about it any less. It just puts it all underground, leaving it all the scarier because we are left to our imaginations and fears, and the knowledge that the big monster is THERE, even if we can’t see it clearly.
So. You are right, we can’t talk about it all the time. But we can define it, and come to terms (of an angry, bitter sort) with it, so that the darkness doesn’t lurk there, demanding our attention at all times.
It’s not control, and it’s not a triumph… but it’s taking things face-forward, on our own terms.
Which, I suppose, is something.
(Bless you both, my loving thoughts are with you and your family… and please take care of yourselves, while you are caring for others…)