There are times in your life when you feel deep in your gut that life altering changes are about to happen. For good or ill, your life is about to change and you can either ride with it our become overwhelmed.

When I left home for the Army. That was the first one I truly caused. It’s one I will never forget. 18 years old and I had just sold my body into 4 years of government slavery. Buddah was that a scary moment for me. It’s because of that I met and befriended John.

Then there was the time I left my wife and daughters for Alaska. I’ll never forget the gut wrenching fear that I would never see them again. Leaving them in the driveway watching me go. My young wife and twin two year olds. Meg was at school or I don’t know if I could have done it. That was so very hard. Knowing that the best case scenario had me seeing them again in a month. Heading for a land that I had never even seen before. With such a fear that I’d be gone forever.

Then when we had to say good bye to Lynn and Chuck. After less that 2 years as their friends and neighbors. Not knowing if, or when we would see them again. Heading off on another adventure, for Scotland this time. A new place, a new country, a new job, a new experience. Ironically, other than saying good by to Lynn and Chuck, it was one of the easiest, emotionally, moves I’ve done. Strange as that sounds. But knowing this would change our lives.

Now. The words “Pancreatic Cancer”. I’m still struggling to come to grips. The gut wrenching knowledge that I will, no matter how much I fight it, be raising three daughters on my own at some time in the not far enough future. My wife. The young girl I met and married 17 years ago will soon no longer be waking up at my side. It causes my fear of leaving my family for Alaska as nothing but a pale ghost in comparison. The fear I had when I joined the Army. Nothing.

This is going to be one of those moments in time that will never be erased from my memories. We all live, we all die. It’s not a matter of how long we live, but how well. We’ve had a hell of a good life. A lot of good, our share of bad. But the key phrase is, we’ve had “a lot”. Life will go on. It’s not going to be the same. I have no idea how I will handle it. Other than I will move forward. The girls will grow, live their lives, be happy and find someone to love.

I don’t know what the future will hold. It’s going to be different. I don’t know if it will be good or not. I guess it will be what it will be. I just know that there are big changes coming.