I ended up getting a Blackberry for work about a month ago, and the first day I had it we bought a used one for Roberta. Mine is on Sprint, Roberta’s on Verizon. Both are World Edition 8830’s and both will be referred to from now on as the SuckBerries.

It’s great to have hundreds of gadgets available on your phone. Sadly, 95% of them are unstable, semi usable, and over all poorly made. Let’s look at the greatest (flops) features.

Web Browsing: Works great, if you don’t mind the 15-60 second wait for each page to load, and that’s in a good network area. In a poor area half the time it never finishes a page load. At the house it flat doesn’t work. I also love the “not available at this time” feature that doesn’t go away until you do a battery pull and reboot of the phone, then it magically works again. Well, kind of.

Texting: Full keyboard, so tiny you hit 80% of the keys correctly the first time. Texts show up in a reasonable amount of time 90% of the time. The other 10%, well, up to a 4 hour delay so far. And let’s not forget the undeleteable texts. Those are the ones that you delete and they don’t go away. You have to pull the battery to get them to clear. Happens about twice a week for me.

Phone Calls: Ah the beauty of a phone, that can’t make phone calls. I use the old verizon phone at the house because the new suckberry has such poor reception I cannot make a phone call, even standing outside in the street. In a good reception area I only lose the call 1 out of 4 or 5 calls. Which is annoying as hell when you have to keep calling someone back.

GPS Maps: A great idea. Use the gps function of the phone and add a mapping feature. Too bad it doesn’t work worth a crap. Tried to get it to work today. Hit the “get directions” function for an address in Salinas, 20 miles away. 10 miles into the drive and it’s still trying to find the satellites. That’s when I killed it and figured it just wouldn’t work at all today. Maybe tomorrow it will magically work again. Probably not.

Computer connectivity: AKA Desktop Manager. I really think this must be written completely in java. That’s the only programming language that I know of that can be so poorly written as to completely kill the performance of a dual core monster PC that I have. So damn slow as to be nearly unusable. Seriously. It’s that slow. Unusable to do the “media” functions the suckberry is advertised for. I have an 8GB card in both of our phones and have successfully installed 1 album, 8 songs,  so far on just mine. Roberta gave up. My ipod? 4800 songs, movies, photos, etc.

Voice commands: The button for the voice commands is located on the side of the phone in such a location that you almost always hit it when you remove the phone from the holster. You have to just love/despise the “Say a command” coming from the phone everytime you pull it out. And no, it doesn’t respond to “Bite Me you sorry piece of @#$%”.

Conclusion: So, we have a phone that doesn’t make phone calls, a web browser that’s dog slow, a media player that you can’t load media on, a gps system that never properly finds the satellites, and a texting machine that will randomly hold texts for hours on end and then not let you delete others. And to top it off, poorly placed keys.  Hmmm…. Great idea the SuckBerry. It does it all for you. Just none of it right. 

And the kicker, you can’t blame the carrier. This is on both suckberry networks, Sprint and Verizon.